I walked into my classroom; a blonde haired woman popped up from one of the small tables and looks at me like someone just caught in the act. What act, I could not really say, she appeared though to have been talking, or trying to at least, to Sid. I walked over to her to ask why she was here and whom she was when she offered up this information on her own.

“Ms. Mclay, Hi, sorry to just show up like this. I am Susan Newton, Sid’s social worker. I hope you got the note; I am going to observe the class today. See how Sid fits in, works with other children.” I nodded; I had gotten a memo the other day but had forgotten to read it. I was too embarrassed to admit to it though.

“Y-you may call me Tara.” I said noticing the way the woman clutched her briefcase a little too tightly. “H-how about you sit in that chair in the corner.” I said pointing to the wooden chair I used during story time. Susan nodded and eagerly walked back there to take a seat.

“Ok class.” I said to the small sea of wide eyed kindergarteners “take out your writing pads, we are going to practice penmanship in silence for twenty minutes and than I will read you a short story.” I notice Susan pull out a yellow legal pad and start to jot down notes using her brief case as a witting surface. I smiled at her and than start to walk through the room examining the tiny awkward script as the children try there hardest to make their ABC’s look like the ones printed on the page.

I tried to ignore the social worker but it was hard to miss her tossing glances at Sid as he carefully printed nearly perfect letters on his page. She was not just observing him; she was gazing at him with an intenseness that made me rather nervous.

She did this through most of the class day; in fact she probably would not have stopped had she not been paged away for an emergency of some sorts. I would not have thought much about it if she had not left something behind, a small business card must have slipped from her briefcase. I found it under the rocking chair as I cleaned up the classroom at the end of the day, a small white card with simple black script.

“Wolfram and Hart?” I muttered to myself as I stared at the card.. this was odd.

“Tara you are a demon, your mother was a ..”

“Shut up dad!” My hand moved on its own and there was a blinding flash and than…

It had been the day of my mom’s funeral, I had not left my room since I had left her side at the hospital mere minutes after she had died. I had been holding her hand when she died, I kept holding it even when the doctor raced in and tried to push me aside. I knew it was too late though, no crash paddles would bring her back… Mom was dead.

It had been strange watching her die, almost beautiful. Her breathing became light, no longer strained, her eye opened real wide and the shine seemed to escape like a fine mist over a body of water. Thank her hand went limp and her eyes closed as her life drained away. She was dead, I could see her spirit rise and hover a bit before floating off.

“Mom” I cried than and later when I was alone in my room. She was dead and I was all alone in the world. Well not really, I had my dad but he always made it worse. He wanted me to hate my mom, to hate myself. He told me time and time again I was probably not even his daughter.

I could only take so much of it though, the yelling, the name-calling. My mother was dead and he was calling her a …

I lost control and before I knew what I did he was dead… I had killed my father.

Everyone knew what I had done but no one would admit it. So they just treated me the same way they treated a pregnant girl, they sent me away. I was sent to my Mom’s sister in Sunnydale. I had decided that when I got there I would start a new life, no more magik, no more letting myself get close to people. I had done enough damage for a lifetime. I would just go to class and sit in the back and hope no one noticed me.. I just wanted to disappear.

“Blessed be, it has been a while Lady Tara.” I had only just stepped through the doors when I heard this greeting echo through the small store. I smile and feel both at home and a little guilty which is a proper feeling for being at home. Lady Raven glides into the room and embraces me in a tense hug. Raven was the closest thing I had to a friend, a kind woman who always did her best to make me feel good to be a witch, a teacher, and just me in general.

I had not seen Raven much since classes had begun, I used to see her once a week and currently it has been a month since I stepped through those doors. Lady Raven was a nice woman but a bit eccentric. She did not like the way novices and new agers would trample through her store to by trinkets and things they read about in Harry Potter. So she did something a bit drastic, she started to limit her inventory to items that only a practitioner of magick could use.

Of course this meant that she would make significant less money but people tried to show there support by volunteering to work at the store. I did that once a week for nearly a year but recently had to cut back.

“So my Lady Tara what do you need today?” I smiled and shifted a little. I needed a few more oils and powders for a cleansing spell I was going to do later on today. Ritual bath of sorts to remove magical residue. I did not know how much I wanted to go into this with Raven since she may insist on reading my aura again and for some reason that bothered me.

“I have a list.” I said and handed it to her with a slight tremble.

“Hmm Lady Tara will be keeping herself busy. How are things, students, roommate, co-workers? Do they still try to crush your spirit, have you been wearing that rose quartz pendant?” I sighed, hated to complain about my life so I simply pulled the pendant our from under my blouse and showed it to her.

“Good good.” She said as she poured powders into small zip lock bags and placed them on the counter. She than put all of this in a bag and I handed her payment. We talked for a few more minutes and than I left.

I stepped out onto the street with my supplies, in a way I was happy to finally have the supplies to perform the spell but at the same time I was nervous because I could feel the air was thick with tension, energies that were all out of line. I did not understand what was going on but it worried me.

They stared at me as if I had all the answers, as if I knew everything they wanted to know. It was flattering in a way, that they would have so much confidence in me but it was also… it was troubling. I did not have the answers, I had the tests results though and I was trying to explain to them that in some ways the tests were inconclusive, contradictory, and hard to explain.

“So is he retarded?” The father broke the silence with his rather poorly worded question. The Mother looks appalled and shoots him a deadly look.

“What he means to ask is do you better understand why he does not talk?” The mother looked at me, searching my face, I worry will reveal my ignorance, the fact I too am lost.

“N-no. He is not retarded, he scored very high in the intelligence test and h-he can be very verbal when he w-wants to be.” I am stuttering, my stuttering gives away my confusion, the fact I have no real answers. “B-basically what the results mean is he c-can talk he j-just has nothing to say.. right now.” I cast the small boy a look and he looks at me with such pure concentration. I can’t help but be a little nervous.

“So why is he in the retarded class if he is not retarded.” I sighed; I wished he would stop using that word.

“It’s a sp-special needs class and him not talking would qualify.. as a special need.” I smiled and hoped the parents will understand. The do, reluctantly but something makes me nervous, not them, him. Sid, he kept looking at me with huge eyes that for some reason kept me off balance.. made me nervous. I tried to ignore it but I could not.. it was intense.

Pink, pink and silver glinting in the light, dangling, swaying, and dancing. My rose quartz point, /my/ rose quartz point!

“I bet I could hypnotize you with this.” Allyson said as she does the one thing I specifically asked her not to do which is play with my alter. I walk over and as kindly as I can I reach over and grab my rose quartz point from her hand.. hands fingers, clutching the small silver strand, clutching it and not letting it go.

“Please?” I asked with one word for her to hand over my point, for her to respect my religion, to respect my space. I asked this and know on a level my plea will go ignored, dismissed as childish and selfish. Why could she not do this, my roommate, why could my roommate not respect my space, my beliefs?

“Fine whatever.” She said letting go, letting the point fall from her fingers, her hand, nearly letting it plummet to the ground and I just barely catch it in time.

“C-can you please leave my room.” My stutter gives me away, always gives away how I feel, my feelings, my anger, my weakness. She just shrugs but I know she knows, she knows she has gotten to me.

When she finally left and I pulled out a book, my book, my favorite book, Taglarin Mythic Rights and try to read, but I can’t, can’t concentrate, something is in the air.. magik, dense magik.. and it was clouding my thoughts…it was all foggy.

“Miss McClay you dropped something.” I stopped in my tracks and turned around to see an older woman with gray hair and glasses looking at me with a slightly annoyed expression. I knew her, she taught third grade and I could never remember her name.

“Thanks.” I said backtracking a few steps and awkwardly bending down to pick up a powder blue folder, trying to pick it up without dropping the other 26 folders I was clutching a little awkwardly in my arms in the process.

“Mrs. Adams.” The woman said tartly after I had managed to stand up and shuffle my folders to make them a little better organized in my arms.

“What?” I asked stupidly, something about this woman always made me nervous.

“That is /my/ name Miss McClay.” She said trying to sound calm but I could hear the anger in her voice. I knew that is what she had meant but stupid me had to ask, had to have her clarify. “You know Miss McClay I had been trying to get your attention for about five minutes. Perhaps you would do well to actually pay attention.” With that Mrs. Adams turned and left. I sighed, great way to end a day by alienating yet another fellow teacher.

I had always thoughts teaching kindergarten would be a dream, well it had been my dream job for quite a few years. What I had not realized that there was much more to teaching than actually just teaching the students, I also had to paly politic with the other teachers and so far most the other teachers seem to not really care for me. Once when I had gone into the teachers lounge I had heard them laughing but when I was noticed it became rather deathly quite.

“Hello Miss Mclay.” The receptionist said as I handed over to the receptionist my blue folders.

“Hi Sharon.” I said with a smile, Sharon was relatively nice to me, at least she does not hold it against me that I called her Sarah for the first week I started working here.

“Ohh Miss McClay, before I forget you got a new student today.” With that she handed me a small note. “I guess the student is special needs but borderline enough to try and mainstream him. There is some information about the student in the letter. I think the parents will be in tomorrow to speak to you personally.” I took the letter with a smile.

“Thanks Sharon.” I said pocketing the note. I figured I would read it when I got home but right now I needed to leave before Mrs. Adams came back. I could only handle so much of her in a day.

I must have fallen asleep, I woke up on the couch at coffee house, Starbucks? My large porcelain coffee mug sits before me and I reach out to pick it up. It’s so heavy, I can barely lift it.
“ You need some help.” Its Willow, she is in a catholic school girls outfit.
“ No, I have always done this on my own.” I try to lift it again and Willow laughs.
“ You are going about it all wrong, you always have. I should expect no less from a demon.” I look up and in willows place stands my father, he grabs, and we are no longer in Starbucks but in the fountain . “ If you float you are a witch if you drown…”

I wake up with a start, I touch my face expecting to be wet. People are looking at me, my heart begins to race and I straighten up, wipe the drool from my face.
“Ahhhh Ms. Maclay, how nice of you to join us. I would like to talk to you in private after class. Alright people class dismissed.” Professor Walsh says and the students start to gather their things and file out of the room. I stand up, put my books away, and head to the front of the class.

“ Ms. Maclay, I know you are a narcissistic freshman who thinks she can do whatever wants when she wants even at the expense of everyone around her but I will not tolerate such behavior in my class. You have good grades, not exceptional though and they have been steadily dropping. I want you to do whatever it takes to get back on track. I will not tolerate another day like today.”

The coffee was hot; the warning on the styrafoam cup did not do it justice. I had not slept in nearly 48 hours so I decided to go to the school cefeteria and get a cup of coffee. I was not terribly tired when I got to the cafeteria, I was yawning a lot but I did not feel any huge need to sleep.

I got a cup of coffee and sat down to read and get some homework done. That’s when I felt the coffee; I must have fallen asleep and knocked the cup over without thinking. It burned so bad; I leapt from my chair and let out a scream. That’s when the cafeteria went silent and soon I was the center of attention.

I smiled weakly and sat back down; the coffee only got the edges of my books. I wiped them off with a fist full of napkins. I felt so stupid, I wanted to cry. I needed a full nights rest and I would not be able to get it in my dorm. My hand still stung from when the glass juice bottle shattered in my hand. A few shards of glass embedded themselves in my palm. I picked them out myself not wanting to have to explain to a nurse what had happened. The juice had been sticky and sweet, and now it was all voer the floor. Pomegranate juice, why did it have to be pomegranate juice.

So that’s why I was here in the cafeteria and not in bed, I really need some help.

Current Mood: tired

I went to the local magic sop today. I had burned all my sage, and spritzed the room with holy water yet I could not clean the room of its negative energies. I hate dorm rooms for that reason. Years and years, overly hormonal teens come and live here. For many its there first time away from home. They experience love, sex, drugs, and school work more stressful than many have experienced in the past. They take there stuff but leave behind a hodgepodge of bad mojo. Negative energies that can draining to a person who, like me, is on the empathic side. I know I ned to practice my shields, to keep out the bad energies.

Yet to do that I needed some supplies, I walked to the store and after about 20 minutes of light conversation with the Owner i finally told him what my problems were. He told me that along with my sage that lavender would be good as well. Its relaxing and that would help me build a more effective shield. Than he gave me a small tumbled stone. Red tourmaline, he said that this stone will be the best for my protection spells. I was drawn to the color the second he showed it to me. It was almost the color of blood, deep red with a bit of purple.

When I came back to my room I did everything I was supposed to. I burned the sage and meditated while staring into the stone. It was going well when the stone shattered. It freaked me out and I knew I had to leave my room. I do not understand this, but I know one thing, the bad mojo in this room is caused by more than just college angst.

Current Mood: nervous

I locked myself in my dorm, turned the main lights off and the fairy lights on (it sounds much more magical than christmas lights). I put my favorite Indigo Girls cd on and turned the volume real low than crawled into bed. I want to sleep, I just want to stop thinking for a moment.....

I tossed the covers aside, got up, and paced around my room. I burned some sage, lit a couple candles, sprinkled some lavender water around my room. I crawled back into bed and once again tried to fall asleep....

I kick the covers to the floor and get up, I can't relax enough to sleep. I burn som more sage, and select a candle and pick it up. I sit on the floor, place the candle on the floor and try to meditate for a few moments on the flame. After a few minutes I feel myself relax and for a moment I think its staring to work when...... when the candle falls over and sets a patch of carpet on fire. I beat on it with a teddy bear I have near by. Now I am completely awake.
So I decide to read a book. I look at my shelf and most my books are either school books, magick books, and horror novels. Horror novels, not thats the last thing I need right now. Good thoughts, I need to think positive thoughts. I groan and crawl back on bed.

No this will not work! I am to tired to do anything constructive and yet not sleepy enough to sleep. Perhaps I should embrace this and go get some coffee. I look in the mirror, considering how much I have been hoping in and out of bed I do not look too bad. I brush my hair and touch up my makeup. I hope that Riley is not mad at me for bailing on him. Its so hard for me to make friends, the last thing I want is to alienate the one I have.